Neither Here Nor There

So… A Russian man fell on me today in the subway. No beating around the bush on this one, I’m going to get straight to it. He fell; not in that oops the subway jerked and I accidentally bumped you kind of way, you know, the kind where an over the shoulder glance and a gentle shoulder shrug will suffice for an apology. And no, he didn’t fall in that oh the subway swayed so I’m going to take this opportunity to grope you and blame public transportation for it, the kind where the bump is usually followed by a sideways glance checking to see if a grind might be acceptable to follow? No, he fell in an all out body slam fall and I totally saw it coming. I heard some loud Russian being spoken, now who am I to say if it was actually Russian I heard, last time I checked I didn’t speak a word of the language, nope, nada, niet - well ok so I know one word. But anyway, the Russian men, the two of them get on the subway and start progressing toward the two empty seats next to me. Now if you are familiar with the New York subway system you will know that the “F” train has the type of seating that is a combination of sideways bench seats as well as forward and backward facing bus type seating. I was sitting on the sideways bench seat and they were aiming for the bus seats facing me. They were maneuvering their way into the seats and just as they started the decent to place their buttocks in the seats, hence their center of gravity was already pitched forward, I got a whiff of vodka on the breath when subway lurched forward. In slow motion the Russian man starts the fall onto me, his friend reaches out to try to catch him and pull him back but nothing is going to stop this guy. He goes down and down and down, right across my lap. If I hadn't been so stunned I would have realized that he was in the perfect position for me to deliver quite a spanking to this man. But, I missed my chance, plus, he wasn’t cute. So then, as if getting fallen on wasn’t enough then I had to then endure six stops of trying not to: number one, laugh cause a man just fell on me, number two, politely smile as if everything is ok while the two Russian men offered me thumbs up and number three, keep my eyes directed straight ahead. I mean how long can one stare at the awful advertisements that they have posted on the subway. I now know that channel 6 has news at 6, 8, 10 and 11. Can anyone really watch that much news?

So… in other exciting New York happenings that you really would be better off not knowing about. Today on this tremendously fun filled fifth day of April it snowed. Yes, people, it actually snowed, not for a few minutes either, but for a good solid hour. I woke up this morning and it had just rained, then it got sunny and next thing you know, it’s snowing!! When are we going to stop the charade and admit that this is GLOBAL WARMING! We have officially fucked up the weather patterns!

So… last on the agenda tonight, I am playing every New Yorkers favorite game. It’s called - let’s see what is in the fridge tonight. This evening I had a delicious meal that included: a half portion of pasta, 9 Original Club Crackers with some week old brie cheese (yea threw that out after a bite), a grapefruit and a bowl of plain yogurt. No, I’m not still in college and yea, I just turned 30. Wow, if that isn’t the best testimonial for my domestic skills I don’t know what is. Hmmmm and I often wonder why the men aren’t flocking to me? But, on that note, when are these cooking channels going to get a clue! Start a cooking show called 4X4 cooking where some snazzy chef comes into your miniscule apartment and shows you how to cook amazing things in a kitchen that is four feet by four feet with only eggs, canned corn, parsnips and some garlic pepper. Um, what?? who has parsnips in their fridge??