Delusions of Grandeur Part Deux

So, we all know that I fancy myself something of a celebrity. Maybe a “Q” list celebrity, well maybe I don't even make that list but in my own head I'm a celebrity none the less. We also know that anything ordinary just won’t do, I continue to dwell on the past when I was a star in the strangest sport on earth.

Recently, I received a call from my gym urging me to take advantage of the free personal training session that I received upon signing up for the uptown Health and Racquet Club. I tried my best to shrug it off with no avail. Man, the guy on the other end of the phone was persistent; basically talking about anything he could think of so that I would eventually have to sign up for the session just to get him off my phone. He counseled me about the benefits of owning your own place rather than renting, he told me how to get a mortgage, he begged for me to be his new friend since he works so much and really only hangs out with his dog. My final effort to refuse was flat, dry and to the point, “Ok here’s the deal. I am an ex-world champion (slight lie, just a smidge, I was only second in the world, a point that is going to rest on my shoulder till the day I die) of equestrian vaulting. I have been training since I was seven with some of the best trainers in the world. I will consider taking one of your personal training sessions if you truly think that they can teach me something new. I don’t like to be patronized or treated like a “girl” when I am working out.”

There wasn’t even a pause, this guy should get an award for his sales techniques, “well if you don’t want to be patronized then you should stop calling yourself a girl.’

I returned, “I prefer to be called a girl, I don’t want to be a woman, I am never going to grow up.”

“Fine,” he replies, “I am going to have my best trainer call you, he trains all our trainers, and he will show some new stuff.”

Fine I reply. I have to work now; I am hanging up on you.

A day later, “Eddie” calls me, the first question out of his mouth was “have you ever trained before” seriously people, is this how you run your business? Did I not explain myself clearly yesterday? He sets my appointment and says he will see me the next day. Just as I am considering not showing up for my dreaded patronizing experience he calls again. "Um, I double booked myself but I really want to train you so I have left a message for the other lady to move her appointment."explains the fabulous Eddie. Once again, is this a good way to run a business? Somehow I manage to not cancel my appointment.

The next day I show up at the gym early to get some cardio in before my session. At 7:30 on the dot I am joined by the wonderful Eddie. He starts out as all trainers do by wanting to put me on the treadmill. I love how they want to waste 10 minutes of your training session by putting you on the treadmill where they don’t have to attend to you. Wait, I do the same thing with my students, it’s the easiest way to make money, sit and do nothing but you seem like you are doing something. So bad! I explain that I am completely ready to go, warmed up and stretched. He proceeds to take me over to do some exercises, no questions asked just going jump in with both feet. I explain once again that I have trained since I was seven and also that I prefer to have a strong core and not do too many heavy lifting exercises because I bulk up really fast. He tells me that, “a lot has changed since you were seven.”

Hello, simple grammar, SINCE I was seven not WHEN I was seven. I try to tell him about my training from before, he is completely uninterested. Is he blowing off my life’s work? This is the kind of thing that I can’t deal with. I am an ATHLETE, I deserve to be fawned over and revered. No, he just keeps putting me through exercise after exercise. And, to tell you the truth, I am winded. In fact after one series he tries to ask me a question and I can’t breathe. Wait, I am an athlete, how embarrassing, he is kicking my ass. I suffer through the rest of the session with him urging me to sign up for three sessions a week at the low special only for me price of $78 per session. Are you kidding me, pay for this torture of being a nobody at the gym for nearly $300 a week? Not possible. At last we get to the saving grace, abdominal exercises, I kill at these. He was very impressed, finally, the respect I deserve.