DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR

Here is a little known fact about me. Well, ok my six loyal readers know this but I am hoping that some other people might have stumbled upon my blog and then yes, this will be a little known fact to you. I was once upon a time, an acclaimed equestrian. Yes, little me of disastrous dates and current cube dweller, once was a household name in the equestrian world. I actually hold the record for number of national championships won in a row and have more World Championship medals than any other woman in the world. Not to toot my own horn or anything. On my friendster profile, I tell people that I was born into a family of circus riders and spent my childhood dancing in a pink tutu on the back of a black stallion under the big top, which, in hind sight, isn't really that far off from what I was really doing did but when I meet people in person it often disappoints them that I didn't live with my family in a gypsy caravan and travel around with lions and tigers. But I digress, In reality, my sport is a little known one here in the US, and thus lends itself to the "real rules of sport", play fair and everyone is equal. Yes, equal, even the champions.

We used to travel around the country making appearances at equestrian festivals and shows to promote our weird quasi equestrian hybrid sport and the official federation would ask me to attend as the current champion. I would always oblige because I took my accomplishments very seriously and considered it my obligation to promote the growth of this bizarro hobby, upon my arrival however, they would go through every hoop and fence to make sure that I was given no special treatment. When I would go on these trips I would try to do things in my control to set me apart from the others without causing too much distraction. We had required uniforms that we had to wear that was accessorized with a scrunchy. I was NEVER a scrunchy girl, in fact if there was one invention that I could abolish from this earth, it would be a scrunchie. Who invented that horrific thing? And remember the ones that were bigger than your head? Oh geez, fashion disaster right there. Back to business though.

Upon arrival at the appearance I would graciously accept the proposed uniform but just before the performance I would switch the scrunchie for my "signature" ribbons or flowers (whichever I was using at the time) to set me apart from the others. Someone would always catch me just at the gate before entry and tell me that I was supposed to be wearing my scrunchie and I would always reply, "oh I don't wear scrunchies, its not my image." I would get away with it every time, so that it became known that I refused to wear scrunchies. I would try to do other things to set me apart as well. I would always make a HUGE deal about my eating habits and workout schedule. I would accept the invitation to make an appearance upon the agreement that I would be fed properly (salads and protein only) and that I could not possibly skip a workout, the organizers would have to find me a gym near by and drop me and my training partner off at the gym so as not to disrupt my training pattern. I know by all means that missing one or two workouts wouldn't change a thing but I had to set myself apart in any way I knew how.

So, although I am a working girl in the real world now, I still have to do appearances from time to time, I am on my way to one of these appearances right now. They still like to use my name to get into a certain events and I have to attend and smile and wave and act like I am a trainer now, passing on my wealth of knowledge of the sport or sometimes even do a mini performance. This time, I was thinking that if they make me wear the "prescribed" trainer uniform I would not, under any circumstances, wear it and it reminded me of the days past. In fact I realized that my demands were in fact the early days of a ryder. Now that I work in the big exciting entertainment world I have seen some ryders and boy are some of them ridiculous. I need 12 vanilla candles, a bottle of jaeger and a case of corona; this is a ryder of one rock band. You guys are a ROCK band what do you need vanilla candles for? Just because Lenny Kravitz has his own scented candles doesn't mean that you need to have them too. Which got me to thinking of what my ryder would be if I were actually famous and didn't just have delusions of grandeur.

Ryder of What??

For all appearances the following procedures must be followed.

Black car service to and from the airport - I don't mind shlepping my bags around myself and traveling amongst the people. I enjoy people watching in airports but please reduce my stress by having a car waiting to pick me up and drop me off so that I don't have to deal with looking for a cab and remembering directions.

Hotel with internet connection - If I have to travel to these god awful locations to do these things please don't expect me to socialize all night long about the days gone by in the big top. I want privacy and I want to be able to surf the net.

A case of volvic water - I don't care what you say, water does taste different. I have traveled the world far and wide and I prefer volvic. I know the name is a bit obscene but it is the water that tastes the closest to my parents at home.

Dressing room filled with lily's - Please have my room filled with lily's at all times. I love the way they smell and they make me very very happy.

Truffet cookies - I have no idea who makes these cookies but they sell them across the street from my apartment at the bodega and boy are they good.

No scrunchies - I will not wear any sort of scrunchie at any time during my appearance, please do not try to disguise it with ribbons hanging off or anything. I will style my own hair and do it as I please.

Yes, I think that about covers it. I'm not really a very demanding person, there are really very few things that I need or that I can't live without. If I were building an entourage though, that would be a different story. Even back in my day I had an entourage. So this would be my current entourage.

The following people must be present for What??, at all times.

Make-up Artist - my friend MK will accompany me to all appearances to make me look beautiful.

chiropractor - long time chiropractor LC will be ever present.

Photographer - Vern will accompany me everywhere, even if he has to knit the whole time and stand up every 3 seconds to keep his foot from turning blue because of his back problem and doesn't take a single photo. (Which by the way will be tended to by my ever present chiropractor.)

Publicist - I have yet to hire this person so if you would like to apply for this position please submit your resume in the "comments" section at the bottom of this posting.

Legal Council - EG is required to tour with me to make sure that if I am involved in any international scandal she can save me from going to jail like Bridget Jones in the horrific sequel.

Producer/Shrink - You know who you are, you don't have to come on tour with me, but if I could get a hotline to you that would be really cool. THANKS for always being there for me.

Partners in crime - I understand that my friends might actually have lives of their own so they can rotate during my tour depending on their schedules...K-Mac, Hymanator, Seth, Lu and Sandy please speak with my publicist to let them know of your availability to attend my delusions of grandeur tour.

I think that about covers it. I have to go to my appearance now, the equestrian arena is announcing me. AND no, I was not picked up in a black town car, I do not have my own hotel room with internet and five minutes ago they offered me a scrunchie.