Green Tea Makes You Pee

A blog devoted to "Ridiculously Obvious Observations" through the eyes of a fanciful girl who doesn't want to grow up.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Ridiculously Obvious Observations and Other Random Things to Ponder

"Freezing Your Ass Off"

Could someone please tell me where this phrase came from? I can tell you from my recent winter experiences that the direct translation of this just doesn't hold true. I believe that this phrase translates to, "if you are standing in the cold you will in fact get a smaller ass." Nope, not a chance, well, at least not for me. I guess that if you actually stood outside for long enough then it might happen because your body has to work harder to stay warm? Well maybe back in the good ole days but not today. It gets cold and I am racing inside to find somewhere warm and once I get there, not a chance of me leaving. The only thing that is working harder is my arm as it shovels comfort foods like mashed potatoes, pasta and chocolate cake into my mouth. In fact, I can now prove the colder the temperatures drop in NYC the larger my ass becomes! So if you will excuse me, I am going to try my new diet technique out, if you need me I will be standing outside "freezing my ass off!"

"Pennies Not Accepted Here"

Now this is just plain crazy talk! Who doesn't accept pennies? I can understand those establishments that don't accept American Express, but pennies? Come on! Here I am in my favorite coffee shop The Bourgeois Pig and I overhear the owner say, "We don't accept pennies here," are they just to bourgeois to accept them? Since when did the penny lose its status? I mean it is the lowest valued coin but there seems to be something very American about it. After, which coin is it that brings you luck if you find it heads up in the street? Yes, the penny. So all penny lovers please unite and storm The Bourgeois Pig with only pennies for your daily cup of Joe.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Rants and Raves

First off, I just want to appoligize for not posting in so long, I promise that I will be putting a lot of stuff up soon for you all to read.

Second, I would like to welcome my sixth reader K-Mac, she's keepin it real out there in SF!

So here are my rants and raves for today.

Rants:

Lines at the gym: Let’s start here shall we? When you go to the gym, you go to workout. You do not go to stand in a line between working out, that pretty much defeats the purpose.

Whiny debutant types at the salon:
So I went for a mani, pedi on Saturday and I do have to say that my relaxation time was not well spent. I spent the entire time trying to zone out three debutant types that were all apparently planning weddings and have a lot of drama in their lives. Please, I understand that you have gossip to catch up on but does it really have to be shouted back and forth across the entire SALON and disrupt my quiet time??

People afflicted with the “busy” disease: Ok people, lets get this straight – we all live in NYC and we are all busy, that is a given. Being busy is not a disease, it doesn’t just happen to you, and it’s a choice. Yes, that may come as a surprise but you are choosing to be busy, please stop blaming your lack of time for other activities on being busy, be honest, you don’t want to do the “said” activity - ‘nough said.

Raves:

Galoshes: Can I just say that I love galoshes? Not the trendy kind that have prints all over them that are supposedly cool but the real ugly kind that are meant for tromping through mud and snow and rain! And, not only are they cool cause they make you feel like jumping in puddles like you are 10 again but the word itself is so fun to say…. Come on y’all say it with me… GALOSHES!!

Running down the middle of a car-less avenue: Its very liberating to run down the middle of the street. I know its not real dangerous since there are no cars but you still have a strange sense of accomplishment while you are doing this, like you shouldn’t really be there… try it sometime, you will like it.

Cupcakes: There is something about cupcakes that makes you feel like a kid. I would have to say that my experience at Magnolia’s bakery was not very child like and I wouldn’t include it as part of my rave experience… but licking the icing off your fingers after eating the whole thing in less than three bites? If that doesn’t take you back to your childhood, I don’t know what will.

Birthdays: I love birthdays, there is nothing like treating yourself a little special and surrounding yourself with your friends (oh and buying a new pair of shoes) cause you survived another year.

Monday, February 07, 2005

The "Make Good" Date

Summary: Make goods are revisions to existing billed media buys on broadcast orders. They occur when a media buyer has to adjust the number of spots, the net cost, or gross amount on an existing broadcast order that has already been billed.

The Make Good Date is the newest phenomenon in New York dating, previously referred to as a “rain check,” New York’s media heavy community has replaced this term with “make good” as it more clearly represents the action that is taking place. You are making good on your obligation to another party.

The Set Up - I was recently set up with a fellow that works in a sister division of my corporation. A friend thought that we might hit it off and suggested that we meet up for a drink. I abhor set ups and so several times, I politely declined. After several attempts to get us together this said friend took matters into her own hands and invited the both of us out on the town on a group date. The conversation was decent but not brilliant so when the lad contacted me for a one-on-one date I reluctantly agreed. This is what I would call a “courtesy date” one where there are friends of friends involved and you can’t just be rude and flat out decline. He of course chose a Friday night when I would have much preferred lounging at the French restaurant amongst friends or just plain old crashing out on the couch, so when a friend told me she might be in the city on Friday night I seized the opportunity to tell the boy that I needed to reschedule. He quickly launched into a tirade about how he hates busy people and really doesn’t choose to associate himself with those kinds of people. I thought to myself that I was off the hook! I never had to hang out with this sarcastic self-indulgent male again! But no, he reported that I was going to hold me to my offer to “make good” on our date the next week.

The Make Good - Come Monday, I did my due diligence and offered for him to accompany me to see a friends band play but he was busy so then I asked him for Thursday night and again he was busy. Once again, I was free of all responsibility, I offered, it didn’t work out and I was off the hook. When hump day rolled around I was pleased as punch to hit the gym and then head home at the end of the long day. I was IM-attacked by the self-righteous lad and he told me that I told him that we were hanging out on Wednesday! Excuse me? I don’t think so, but due to the “make good” policy I had to oblige! There was no getting out of this one.

The Awful Experience - We met downstairs in the lobby of our office building and headed out the door. I was in a foul mood that day anyway and really had a low tolerance for his sarcasm; the first five minutes of conversation were painful at best! First, we headed out to the uber-hip rock bar snitch where upon sitting down in a completely empty venue we were told that they were about to have a jewelry show and that we needed to leave. After that we thought we would try the new BLT Fish restaurant, after another 5 block hike during which he proceeded to walk always 3 steps ahead of me and I am “running” to keep up in my 3 inch heels, we find out that the wait is one hour and we decide to head to the east village and visit one of my favorite tapas restaurants Alphabet Kitchen. Once again he heads off 3 steps ahead, never looking to see where I am, I keep throwing out jokes that I should put my running shoes on and he doesn’t even get it. At this point I am ready to throw in the towel but due to the “make good” policy I press on. After 5 minutes waiting for a cab we get to the restaurant. I offer to pay half the cab and he replies “don’t worry I will get it, you can get dinner.” You may laugh right now but I can tell you that he is completely serious. One time he bought me a brownie in our office building but since it was Friday, it was buy one get one free on all pastries, so in fact, he bought me a free brownie and then called me on Tuesday to meet him at the coffee shop cause it was my turn to buy him a brownie.

As we walk into the restaurant immediately I know something is wrong, the friendly owner is not standing guard at the host stand, the hot bartender is not behind the bar waiting to give me my free pino grigio, there is not one person sitting in the restaurant, something is amiss, but, the evening had been a bomb so far so there was no way that we were going to switch restaurants for the third time! We sit down and order up a few things to share. My “date” is turning into a horror story before my very eyes, we try to liven up the conversation, and the lad informs me that we should “dissect” my personality so that he can get to know me better. I am quite certain that today I could not take that and the evening would end in tears. I reply that I am off limits and I get two more topic choices, “past relationships” or “sex.” I opt for the generic sex discussion cause you could at least keep that fairly impersonal. As tapas start rolling out and I discovered that they must have changed owners cause the food looked like it just jumped out of the frozen foods section. Now of course it is my fault that I picked the location, he can’t stop mentioning that the food sucks and that there are no people in the restaurant. After an hour of painful “sex” conversation finally we pay the check. Of course, true to form he passes it over to me and I slap down the whole bill with a grimace, at least then I would have ammunition for when my friend asks why I don’t like him I can say he didn’t even go Dutch for the evening. I am so thankful just to get out of there and go home. I haven’t even been able during this whole experience let my mind wander to think about how much I would rather be hanging out with the French boy because I have remain alert to deflect the ridiculous questions that this fool keeps pelting at me. Finally he takes a look at how much money I put down and he gives me some back. Coyly he says, “why are you paying for it all?” and I reply, “Because you told me that I had to pay cause you got the cab.” Boy did he get a good laugh at my expense on that one.

We walk outside and I am so prepared to say thanks for the nice night and RUN home, but no, he wanted to have another drink next door at HiFi. This date couldn’t get much worse. I never go to the HiFi because my ex in San Francisco owned a bar called HiFi and I am pretty sure that he knows the owner of this bar too, just a little too close for comfort. In we go and the conversation gets a little easier as we have another drink, now I am able to let my mind wander as he leaps up from his seat mid sentence on several occasions to check which song is playing on the juke box, apparently he is some music junkie. The mantra “one drink and you’re home free” keeps running through my head. I am calculating exactly how many sips it will take for him to get to the bottom of his glass, it’s like the tootsie roll commercial but much less fun. I am almost there, just two more regular sips and we are done. As soon as he gets the very last drop of his beer down he looks back and forth at our empty glasses and begins to clear his throat, finally I say “what??” He replies, your turn to buy a round. Is this guy unbelievable? I get up, order him a beer and a soda water for myself, I figure nothing is clearer that you want to go home than when you drink water. The conversation becomes pained as he starts trying to delve into my psyche by asking me what my passions in life are. I resort to the mute tactic. After every question he asks, I just stare blankly in between his eyebrows. Finally he gets the message and says that we should head out.

He walks me all the way to my door and I dreading the awkward goodbye. That passes as he asks if he can come up and use my restroom before he hits the subway, I tell him that just cause he uses my restroom doesn’t mean that its an invite to stay over, he laughs. Finally after he marks territory in my bathroom, he says good bye, I am almost gleeful when he gives me a hug goodnight, there is nothing worse than the “courtesy make out” at the end of the date, but he only wanted a hug, things are looking up! In fact, I believe it was the best part of the evening, he was silent for 10 seconds and I got to be held just for long enough to feel loved. Although I didn’t do it on purpose, I am pretty sure that as I closed the door it slammed him in the ass and I, from inside my apartment, grinned from ear to ear.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

ET, ET phone home!

Hi All,

I am quite sure that you are dying for a new posting, all 5 of my readers, but, let me say that I have some good stuff in store for you! So, my dear friends, please be patient and I will have some stuff up on the blog for you, when I can properly ProofrEAD, because Miss Z at the french bar fed me about 37 glaSSEs of wInE toNightT!

So, bonne nuit a tous!

Bisous,
-What??

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Q&A With What??

In response to "A Strategic Plan for the NYC Dating Scene"

At 4:08 PM, Anonymous said...
But what What??? needs to remember that she must continually load her pipeline...Just because she has 1 suitor currently a good rule of thumb is to have at least 3x in her pipeline in order to increase her chances of connecting with a deal. What is equally important is for What??? to continually be "hunting"/"prospecting" that is the only way that she will have a fully loaded pipeline. Otherwise, her strategy seems to have merit and it will be very interesting on how it all pans out.

Dear Anonymous,

I completely agree with you regarding your "prospecting" proposal. I believe that it is up to you and your business ethics whether you will put multiple clients to bed at the same time. I personally feel that you must do a certain amount of smooching with your prospects to do proper background research and develop a good strategy. In the cluttered NYC dating market it is wise to prospect a minimum 5 clients at one time. This way you can move forward with all of them just prior to the point of "sealing the deal" and then select the strongest candidate!

Please keep me posted on your "prospecting" endeavors.
-What??

In response to "Obsessed"

At 4:13 PM, Anonymous said...
Ok "what?" I have a doozy for you: Men always say they want a girl who is intelligent, motivated, blah, blah, blah.... So why is it when you tell a man that you have an advanced degree and a stable career they say "oh, your too smart for me." Why are men intimidated by smart women?

Dear Anonymous,

Just a second, let me get out my "single and fabulous!" soap box. There I am now ready to preach to you the mantra that has helped me survive dating in NYC. You are single and fabulous exclamation point! [Yes, I am very aware that this is a beyond blatant Sex in the City reference but I just can't avoid it. It is true and we should all be proud that a show was created that we can identify with even though no woman that writes a weekly column could EVER afford an apartment of that size even if it is rent stabilized and buy as many Manolo Blahnik's as Carrie Bradshaw.] So back to my point, you are single and fabulous! Don't you ever forget that. The men that tell you in a bar that they are looking for smart intelligent women are in fact bottom feeders. If they were really looking for smart intelligent women do you think that they would be hanging out at a bar in hopes that a beer goggled girl will fall into their arms? No, they are in a bar because they are looking for the low hanging fruit [see Strategy for Dating posting] and the easy lay, now don't get me wrong, there is a time and a place for everything but if you are looking for true, long lasting can't live with out you love, you are not likely going to find it in a bar. So, when you go to a bar, make sure bring along your single and fabulous soap box, do shots proudly from atop it and then laugh in the bottom feeders faces as you walk arm in arm out the door with your girlfriends, realizing that you are better off for the time being this way.

Cheers to that!
-What??